“Ordinarily, everything we do is in our self-interest. Everything.”

~Anthony de Mello

You ever done something nice for somebody and then felt kinda… good about it? Maybe even proud? Yeah. That. That feeling right there is why I don’t believe in altruism.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m not saying people ain’t generous, kind, or self-sacrificing. Folks do wild, beautiful, selfless-looking things all the time. They donate money, they risk their lives, they stay up all night listening to a friend cry over a breakup for the fourth time when we told them Jerome wasn’t shit. But what if I told you that every single one of those acts—every favor, every good deed, every ‘just because’—was really about themselves? About us? About how we want to see ourselves, feel about ourselves, or be seen by others?

Being a good person means putting other people first. That’s what they teach us, right? In church, in school, in those after-school specials where the hero gives up their last piece of candy or lets somebody else take the credit for their science fair project. But the more I paid attention, the more I realized that even when we do for others, we’re still, somehow, doing for ourselves.

When “Selflessness” Ain’t Really Selfless

Take my time in ministry, for example. I loved teaching Bible study. Loved breaking down scripture, finding ways to make it relevant, making folks laugh, and making them think. And yeah, I wanted to help people—wanted them to feel seen, feel loved, feel understood. But it also made me feel good. It made me feel like I had purpose. Like I was living right. Like I was earning my spot in God’s good graces. Whenever I made my pastor laugh, I knew I was getting a good recommendation for Heaven. So, was it really a selfless act? Or was I just feeding a different part of my own soul?

And what about my time as a teacher and coach? I had students that I went hard for. I showed up for them, advocated for them, and gave them the support I wished I’d had at their age. And it was rewarding. But what happens when that feeling of purpose becomes something we need? When we tie our worth to what we do for other people? When our identity gets so wrapped up in being ‘the helper’ that we don’t even know who we are outside of it?

That’s the thing about self-interest—it ain’t always selfish. But it’s always there.

Ain’t No Such Thing as a Free Lunch

Hate only goes so far—it’s self-interest that goes the distance. At the end of the day, people will abandon their so-called principles, morals, and righteous indignation if it benefits them enough. And the reverse is true, too: People will dig their heels in and go to war over something if they feel like it threatens their identity, their security, or their power.

So when I hear folks argue that genuine altruism exists, I side-eye a little. Because why do people do good things? Out of the goodness of their hearts? Maybe. People love to say they do good for the sake of good. But even that goodness had to come from somewhere. Maybe their mama raised them that way. So, really, they’re not selfless—they’re obedient. A “good person” is just someone who does what they were told; that’s the whole point for some folks. It feels good to be good. It keeps them in alignment with who they were taught to be. They may get a little serotonin hit from helping others. It may align with their spiritual beliefs or how they see themselves. But whatever it is, it serves them in some way.

Even if you break your back helping people and never ask for anything in return, there’s still a reason why you do it. Maybe you like feeling needed. Perhaps you don’t wanna feel guilty. Maybe you just wanna believe you’re a good person. But ain’t none of it done in a vacuum.

The “Strong Black Woman” Scam & Other Traps

Now, you know I gotta bring it back to my people. Black women, specifically. Because if anybody has been fed a steady diet of “give until you got nothing left,” it’s us. We’ve been taught that our worth is tied to what we do for others—how much we let slide, sacrifice, and endure. The Strong Black Woman myth is built on the idea that we should put everyone else first and ourselves last.

But what happens when we recognize that our so-called ‘selfless’ acts are driven by conditioning, survival, or social pressure? Sometimes, we’re doing things not just because we want to but because we feel like we have to? That ain’t altruism—that’s expectation.

And let’s be real, even the most nurturing, giving Black women out there? They still get something out of it. It might be pride. It might be respect. It might be a sense of control in a world constantly trying to take our power. But even when we’re giving, we’re getting.

So… What Now?

If altruism isn’t genuine, does that mean we should stop helping people? Stop giving? Stop caring?

Nah. It means we need to be honest about why we do what we do and start prioritizing how we care for ourselves, too. If everything we do is in our own self-interest, we might as well ensure that interest includes our own well-being, not just everybody else’s.

We gotta stop acting like doing things for ourselves is wrong. Like setting boundaries makes us selfish. Like choosing joy, choosing peace, choosing ourselves is somehow a betrayal of our goodness. Because self-interest isn’t just about making sure everybody else is okay—it’s about making sure we’re OK, too.

So yeah, I don’t believe humans are capable of pure altruism. But I do believe in balance. In reciprocity. We choose to give, love, and support—not out of obligation, not to earn some moral high ground, but because it aligns with who we want to be. And if that makes us feel good? Well. Maybe that ain’t such a bad thing after all. I mean, don’t we all like a good filter every now and again?